“Willingness to see through another’s eyes, to suspend self-centeredness, to receive respectfully what they have to offer, and to desire their well-being—these are habits of mind and heart that underlie and motivate empathic understanding.” –William R. Miller
This semester in the Tips for High Impact Teamwork series, we are exploring the topic of listening and how improving our listening can foster better communication and collaboration among our co-workers, colleagues, team members, friends, and family. In today’s article I will review various listening “roadblocks,” or ways individuals respond in a conversation that can undermine or impede effective listening. This list is compiled from William Miller’s discussion in his excellent book Listening Well: The Art of Empathic Understanding and the review of blocks to listening in Messages by McKay, Davis and Fanning.
In their respective books, they each discuss 12 roadblocks, but there are actually more than 12 in total since there is only minimal overlap in their lists. Below I briefly present each roadblock that is discussed in one or both of their lists:
- Advising—offering solutions, suggestions, or any form of help
- Agreeing—siding with the speaker or approving
- Analyzing—reinterpreting, synthesizing, or assessing what the speaker is offering
- Being Right—listener doing whatever they can to be right instead of listening to feedback, suggestions, or criticism
- Comparing—juxtaposing the listener and the speaker to determine who is better, worse off, more intelligent, etc.
- Directing—telling the speaker what to do
- Discounting—the listener is deflecting, self-criticizing, or otherwise avoiding the acceptance of compliments, praise, affirmations, etc.
- Derailing or Distracting—moving away from the topic by changing the subject or using humor
- Dreaming—something the speaker says generates a series of internal associations that the listener is thinking about instead of listening
- Filtering—listening to some, but not to all, of what is being said
- Identifying—relating everything the speaker is saying back to the listener themselves
- Judging—critiquing, criticizing or disagreeing with what the speaker is saying
- Mind Reading—not really listening to what is being said but trying to figure out what the speaker is really thinking or feeling
- Moralizing—telling the speaker what they ought to do
- Persuading—trying to convince the speaker
- Probing—asking questions or attempting to get more information
- Reassuring or Placating—sympathizing, consoling, or comforting
- Rehearsing—thinking about and planning what the listener is going to say as soon as the speaker stops talking
- Shaming—ridiculing or demeaning the speaker
- Sparring—arguing or debating with the speaker
- Warning—identifying risks, dangers or even threats
I want to be clear that not all of these roadblocks are always bad. Depending on the context, there may be valid reasons to use some of the above ways of engaging with a communication partner. But if the goal of the listener is to demonstrate empathic understanding, then these approaches are not appropriate because they “…tend to divert people from their natural flow of experience” (Miller, 17). You should strive to avoid these when the primary goal is to understand the perspective and lived experience of the speaker.
I want to take a moment to emphasize the first block in the list—agreeing. When I first read about these roadblocks, that one surprised me. How could agreeing or being supportive be a roadblock to listening? One example is when a person is considering two options or trying to make a decision in a difficult situation. As the speaker thinks out loud and weighs their options, our agreeing in any way could unduly influence the choice or conclusion that the speaker makes. In accurate empathy, we are walking alongside the speaker as they share what is on their mind. We should avoid influencing their thought process in any way, and agreeing can unconsciously exert nudges or deflections that may not be necessary, needed or desired by the speaker.
As you read through the list again, consider which blocks you tend to use as a listener when the speaker simply needs to be heard and effectively listened to. Do you tend to use specific roadblocks with certain people? In specific situations? As you gain awareness of where you are demonstrating roadblocks, I encourage you to intentionally avoid placing these blocks or barriers to empathic listening before your communication partner.
As we conclude this article on roadblocks to listening, I want to offer another pertinent quote from Listening Well.
“When you listen with curiosity, compassion, patience, and a genuine desire to understand, you’re unlikely to stray far from the path.” – Miller
Instead of responding with roadblocks, let’s all strive to enter the listening opportunity with curiosity, a desire to understand regardless of agreement, and a heartfelt care for the other person. Your colleagues, friends, and family will appreciate how you show up for them. And dare I say, the world could be just a bit better if we all practiced more empathic understanding right now.
References:
McKay M, Davis M, and Fanning P. Messages: The Communication Skills Book, Third Edition. New Harbinger Publications, Inc, 2009: 9-13.
Miller WR. Listening Well: The Art of Empathic Understanding. WIPF and Stock, 2018: 14-18.